Thursday, December 10, 2015

Love and loss

It's so hard to deal with loss. It's hard for the person going through it. It's hard for their families and loved ones who have gone through the same thing. It's hard for their families and friends who have never experienced it and don't know what to say.

But what can you say? There's nothing to do except remind yourself of God's truth and promises. The only comfort I've found is the Lord using my family and friends to do exactly that. When maybe they know there's nothing they can do but reverberate God's promises to you so when you wake up in the middle of the night your ears are ringing with the truths you heard that day. 

Monday night wasn't terrible. It was sad but I was scared that I would feel emptier or something after the surgery. But I didn't. I think my mind had already accepted that our baby had long ago been removed from my body.

I was shaking as they wheeled me into the OR and the last thing I remember was the doctor holding my hand and saying comforting words to me, although I couldn't remember just what. The next thing I knew, I woke up crying as they wheeled me to recovery. The anesthesiologist said that I might cry as a side effect of the anesthetic but I don't know. Brian was by my side in a few minutes and I just remember seeing the concern and relief in his face. I didn't think about how hard it would be for him sitting out in the waiting room for an hour just praying and hoping that everything would go well. 

I am slowly trying to return to normal in light of the things God has shown me about Himself in the past few days. Food still needs to be cooked and eaten. Little noses and bottoms still need to be wiped. Life has to keep going. And now I'm armed. I'm ready to help a friend through grief (although it's not something I would ever want to happen to another). I'm ready to teach my daughters about the steadfast love of God and that trials WILL be a part of their lives. And I'm ready for the Lord to continue stretching and molding me.

The response that we've received from family and friends has been overwhelming. From the text messages to someone showing up at our door with arms full of groceries, we have seen the Lord loving us and caring for us through the people He has placed in our lives. That quote by Spurgeon has sunk so deeply into my heart because if I hadn't felt God's love in the beginning of this, I have seen it in abundance as we've continued down this path. Not once have I felt alone or hopeless. To be hand in hand with Brian as we lean on God for strength and grace has made me realize how truly blessed I am to have married him.

It's still weird though. When I think back to what happened just a few days ago, it feels like watching scenes from a movie. Sometimes I still can't believe that this happened to us. When I was pregnant with Allie, other parents would tell us our lives would never be the same. Having gone through this now, I know it has changed us forever.

That's a pretty dramatic ending to this post. Maybe I'll be back to funny again and when I am, you guys will be the first to know.