Having an unknown future can be so daunting. The temptation to doubt God's sovereignty and goodness is strong. I know what I have to tell myself. I know that He is good and loving and gives grace for every trial. I know that He has a perfect plan for our lives and nothing that happens is a surprise to Him. I know that He will always provide, no matter how dire the circumstances look.
But still I fail. I doubt. I worry. I get frustrated and angry. The future as I know it is unknown and it's not enough. It's not enough to know that He will provide, I want to know how. It's not enough to know that He will give grace through trials, I want to know when those trials will happen. Not enough, not enough, not enough.
I text'd my older sister my fears and concerns to ask for prayer and she reminded me of Mark 9. The father who's child was demon possessed who asked Jesus to cast out the unclean spirit. Jesus tells him that anything is possible for someone who believes and he replies "I believe! Help my unbelief."
Tears come to my eyes just thinking about that reminder again. How many trials has the Lord brought us through in the past? Every single one of them. Never did He leave us to wallow in our pain and despair. And yet here I am. Faced with another trial and unable to believe that He is capable of it again. Without God to sustain our faith, it would fail every time. So my cry this week has become, help my unbelief! I do believe! I know what you have done in the past and I need help to remind myself of that when present worries plague me.
Sometimes it strikes me as odd how vulnerable my blog posts can be. Strangers whom I've never met can be reading my innermost thoughts and struggles. But on the off chance that someone out there is struggling with this as well, I hope that it can serve as a reminder. We serve a loving, merciful God. We know He is sovereign and righteous. We deserve death and separation from Him and yet He calls us to be His children. With truths like that ringing in my ears, how can I doubt Him?
We find out later this week if everything will go through with the house. There are a lot of factors that could throw this whole thing down the drain so we have prayed for wisdom and discernment (and of course that it would all work out smoothly!)