Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Creepy Crawly Things

Since the cold weather has been slowly creeping into Nor Cal, the spiders around our apartment have descended and are moving right in. Now as you might remember from this post, I don't enjoy critters as roommates and even less when they are creepy crawly ones. So now I will share with you my cringe-worthy spider stories.

WARNING: SCARY IMAGES AND FEELINGS OF THINGS CRAWLING ON YOU MAY OCCUR.

Story #1
{Setting: my husband has brought his big bag of tools in from his truck to make room for something else and this bag of tools is sitting in the middle of our living room/dining room. Also, he is out of town for work so I'm home alone. Convenient.}
I was walking past the big bag of tools (which is too heavy for me to move onto the porch) when I see a BLACK WIDOW crawl over one of the tools and drop into the bag. I froze. WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN YOU SEE A SPIDER DISAPPEARS SOMEWHERE?!?!?!? I panicked because there's no way I'd be able to fall asleep without wondering if that spider stayed there or if it decided to come out and terrorize me. So I did what any sane girl who's home alone with a spider would do. Put on my rubber cleaning gloves, grabbed a hammer and proceeded to hook the hammer into the tools, one by one to remove them from the bag. When I had finally dumped out the whole bag, the spider was nowhere to be found. So I turned the bag upside down and banged it with the hammer which apparently confused the spider because it came scurrying out and then I smashed it with the hammer.

Then I took a video of it and sent it to my husband. He was so proud.

Also, in case you're wondering, I vacuumed up the remains because I wasn't about to touch the dead spider even with rubber gloves and a napkin.

Story #2
{Setting: enjoying a lazy Saturday night watching a movie with my hubs after a full dinner}
Me: "AUUUGHHHHH A SPIDER!!! A SPIDER!!!" (It's crawling on the floor making a mad dash for our couch)
B: So kill it.
Me: NO!!! THAT'S WHY I HAVE YOU!!! YOU KILL IT!!!!
B: You're holding a napkin in your hand. Come on, you're a big girl.
Me: (Screaming over and over as I put my hand down with the napkin to squash the spider and then screaming some more, I left the napkin on the floor covering it.)
B: Well. Confirm the kill.
Me: (Pouting now that my husband has traumatized me) No. I don't want to.
B: Come on...
Me: No. You do it.
B: (Husband lifts the napkin to find THE SPIDER IS MISSING.)
Me: *Starts whimpering
B: See. That's why you have to confirm the kill right away.
Me: (Spends the rest of the night pouting with my feet up on the couch and later tries to convince her husband to move the whole sofa and pull out cushions to find the spider but to no avail.)

Story #2
{Setting: immediately after story #1, we have now gone to bed and I'm lying there wide awake when...}
Me: (Sits up spastically swatting my arm and runs to turn the light on.)
B: What?!? What's wrong?!?!
Me: I felt something crawling on my arm. It was that spider from earlier. It's coming back to have vengeance on me for squashing it. I can't fall asleep.
(We proceed to pull back the comforter and sheets to find nothing.)
B: Okay I don't think the spider is after you with a personal vengeance.
Me: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT. (Proceeds to lie awake for several hours in mortal fear and then have dreams that spiders were crawling all over me and I couldn't move because they had paralyzed me. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I HAVE TO KILL A SPIDER AND IT DOESN'T DIE.)

Story #3
{Setting: Leaving the house this morning at 6:30 a.m}
I walked out and as I turn to lock the door, a spider that appears to have made a web on the door frame is dangling inches from my face. I scream and instinctively swat at the web with my purse so the spider drops to the floor where I smash it with my shoe and cringed a little bit because I was wearing flip flops and it could've stuck to the bottom of my shoe and managed to stay alive and then crawl on my foot while I was driving and don't think for one second that all this didn't flash through my brain as I watched it crawl away. But the strong desire to never see that spider alive again came over me and I smashed it with my flip-flopped foot. Like really good. I confirmed the kill just in time to see a bigger blacker spider crawl under the door step. Yay.

All that to say, I'm moving to Alaska. I hear they don't have spiders there.

P.S. Have you noticed that spiders are never small? They're always huge and ugly and probably venemous.